...[just one miniscule tableau from why's (poignant) guide to ruby]...

You Are A Rabbit, UNTIL!

In this game, you are a rabbit who is going to die. A dragon is going to do it. Deep in Dwemthy's Array.

class Dragon < Creature
  life 1340     # tough scales
  strength 451  # bristling veins
  charisma 1020 # toothy smile
  weapon 939    # fire breath
end

Enough Elaborate Metaphor And Sly Juxtaposition, GIVE US THE CORRESPONDING CODE!

To play, you must have Ruby (the beloved programming language) on your computer. If you don't, you must leave Dwemthy's Array immediately and never speak of it, except with your legal guardian to whom your life is entrusted. If you need Ruby, please visit The Tiger's Vest.

Tread carefully — here is the code for DWEMTHY'S ARRAY!!

# The guts of life force within Dwemthy's Array
class Creature

  # Get a metaclass for this class
  def self.metaclass; class << self; self; end; end

  # Advanced metaprogramming code for nice, clean traits
  def self.traits( *arr )
    return @traits if arr.empty?

    # 1. Set up accessors for each variable
    attr_accessor( *arr )

    # 2. Add a new class method to for each trait.
    arr.each do |a|
      metaclass.instance_eval do
        define_method( a ) do |val|
          @traits ||= {}
          @traits[a] = val
        end
      end
    end

    # 3. For each monster, the `initialize' method
    #    should use the default number for each trait.
    class_eval do
      define_method( :initialize ) do
        self.class.traits.each do |k,v|
          instance_variable_set("@#{k}", v)
        end
      end
    end

  end

  # Creature attributes are read-only
  traits :life, :strength, :charisma, :weapon

  # This method applies a hit taken during a fight.
  def hit( damage )
    p_up = rand( charisma )
    if p_up % 9 == 7
      @life += p_up / 4
      puts "[#{ self.class } magick powers up #{ p_up }!]"
    end
    @life -= damage
    puts "[#{ self.class } has died.]" if @life <= 0
  end

  # This method takes one turn in a fight.
  def fight( enemy, weapon )
    if life <= 0
      puts "[#{ self.class } is too dead to fight!]"
      return
    end

    # Attack the opponent
    your_hit = rand( strength + weapon )
    puts "[You hit with #{ your_hit } points of damage!]"
    enemy.hit( your_hit )

    # Retaliation
    p enemy
    if enemy.life > 0
      enemy_hit = rand( enemy.strength + enemy.weapon )
      puts "[Your enemy hit with #{ enemy_hit } points of damage!]"
      self.hit( enemy_hit )
    end
  end

end

class DwemthysArray < Array
  alias _inspect inspect
  def inspect; "#<#{ self.class }#{ _inspect }>"; end
  def method_missing( meth, *args )
    answer = first.send( meth, *args )
    if first.life <= 0
      shift
      if empty?
        puts "[Whoa.  You decimated Dwemthy's Array!]"
      else
        puts "[Get ready. #{ first.class } has emerged.]"
      end
    end
    answer || 0
  end
end

To play, start irb. Cut and paste the above code into irb. (You may also save the above code in a file called dwemthy.rb. Then, load with: require 'dwemthy'.

Introducing: You.

You may certainly tinker with derivations on this rabbit. But official Dwemthy Paradigms explicitly denote the code — and the altogether character — inscribed below.

class Rabbit < Creature
  traits :bombs

  life 10
  strength 2
  charisma 44
  weapon 4
  bombs 3

  # little boomerang
  def ^( enemy )
    fight( enemy, 13 )
  end
  # the hero's sword is unlimited!!
  def /( enemy )
    fight( enemy, rand( 4 + ( ( enemy.life % 10 ) ** 2 ) ) )
  end
  # lettuce will build your strength and extra ruffage
  # will fly in the face of your opponent!!
  def %( enemy )
    lettuce = rand( charisma )
    puts "[Healthy lettuce gives you #{ lettuce } life points!!]"
    @life += lettuce
    fight( enemy, 0 )
  end
  # bombs, but you only have three!!
  def *( enemy )
    if @bombs.zero?
      puts "[UHN!! You're out of bombs!!]"
      return
    end
    @bombs -= 1
    fight( enemy, 86 )
  end
end

You have four weapons. I shan't describe them further.

Rabbit Fights ScubaArgentine!

You cannot just go rushing into Dwemthy's Array, unseatbelted and merely perfumed!! You must advance deliberately through the demonic cotillion. Or south, through the thickets and labyrinth of coal.

For now, let's lurk covertly through the grotto of sausage smells. And defeat the ScubaArgentine.

class ScubaArgentine < Creature
  life 46
  strength 35
  charisma 91
  weapon 2
end

To get the fight started, make sure you've created one of you and one of the ScubaArgentine

r = Rabbit.new
s = ScubaArgentine.new

Now use the little boomerang!

>> r ^ s
[You hit with 2 points of damage!]
#<ScubaArgentine:0x808c864 @charisma=91, @strength=35, @life=44, @weapon=2>
[Your enemy hit with 28 points of damage!]
[Rabbit has died.]

For crying out loud!! Our sample rabbit died!!

Grim prospects. I can't ask you to return to the rabbit kingdom, though. Just pretend like you didn't die and make a whole new rabbit.

The Harsh Realities of Dwemthy's Array AWAIT YOU TO MASH YOU!!

Once you're done playchoking the last guy with his oxygen tube, it's time to enter The Array. I doubt you can do it. You left your hatchet at home. And I hope you didn't use all your bombs on the easy guy.

You have six foes.

class IndustrialRaverMonkey < Creature
  life 46
  strength 35
  charisma 91
  weapon 2
end

class DwarvenAngel < Creature
  life 540
  strength 6
  charisma 144
  weapon 50
end

class AssistantViceTentacleAndOmbudsman < Creature
  life 320
  strength 6
  charisma 144
  weapon 50
end

class TeethDeer < Creature
  life 655
  strength 192
  charisma 19
  weapon 109
end

class IntrepidDecomposedCyclist < Creature
  life 901
  strength 560
  charisma 422
  weapon 105
end

class Dragon < Creature
  life 1340     # tough scales
  strength 451  # bristling veins
  charisma 1020 # toothy smile
  weapon 939    # fire breath
end

These are the living, breathing monstrosities of Dwemthy's Array. I don't know how they got there. No one knows. Actually, I'm guessing the IntrepidDecomposedCyclist rode his ten-speed. But the others: NO ONE knows.

If it's really important for you to know, let's just say the others were born there. Can we move on??

As Dwemthy's Array gets deeper, the challenge becomes more difficult.

dwarr = DwemthysArray[IndustrialRaverMonkey.new,
                      DwarvenAngel.new,
                      AssistantViceTentacleAndOmbudsman.new,
                      TeethDeer.new,
                      IntrepidDecomposedCyclist.new,
                      Dragon.new]

Fight the Array and the monsters will appear as you go. Godspeed and may you return with harrowing tales and nary an angel talon piercing through your shoulder.

Oh, and none of this "I'm too young to die" business. I'm sick of that crap. I'm not going to have you insulting our undead young people. They are our future. After our future is over, that is.